I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize
