I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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