you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
