You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
