I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
