It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
