In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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