ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
