so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm bleeding and have questions
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
