we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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