I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
