The maid of honor just puked.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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