I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
