Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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