Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Less talking, more tequila
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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