I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
