when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i think my cat just said my name.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
