people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
