2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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