Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
