After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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