I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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