Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
