i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
