So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're a waste of cheezeits
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
