i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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