anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
