I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
