Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
