You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize