First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize