I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
