Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
