Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize