our cab driver is having phone sex.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
