You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
