On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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