just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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