Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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