I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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