if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
