Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
