Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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