hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
