I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
