Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
