Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
