We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Jerry, you need to find god
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
