I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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