I am puke
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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