A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
