I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
