he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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