the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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