someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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