My liver just broke up with me...
its not stalking. its research.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
God, I missed his penis.
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